It has recently been brought to my attention that my busy life has unfairly infringed upon the lives of certain friends (friend) who may want some of my time for their own personal needs (need). It was even suggested that perhaps I’m not budgeting my time wisely enough in order to free myself up for others (other).
I’m all for self-improvement, so in the spirit of change, I’ve used some of my poorly budgeted time to come up with a few ways to save a couple of minutes here and there... Sure, I could have used this time to buy a few groceries to feed my children, or pay some bills before my utilities get shut off, but apparently certain friends feel as though finding some free time would be more beneficial to me (them) in the long run, so here goes:
1. Conversations with my husband and children will now be limited to between the hours of 3:30 to 4:00 pm. The allotted time will be used for only the most pressing matters and idle chit-chat will not be tolerated. Each person has 3 minutes to say what they have to say, 2 minutes to hear my feedback and 30 seconds for rebuttal. I’ll then render my final decision in whatever matter is at hand.
2. Grocery shopping will be done at gas stations after pumping gas and before paying thereby saving on useless trips to the grocery store. What’s for supper? Slim-Jims on Wonder Bread with a Payday for dessert. Shut up and eat up.
3. In the event of dinner company, when a more formal sit-down dinner is required, meal preparation, serving and eating will take place simultaneously by the clever implementation of a Salad Shooter. This will also eliminate the need to set out pesky dinnerware or wash it afterward.
4. Laundry is taking up way too much valuable time, therefore all clothes must be worn a minimum of 3 times before being washed, with the exception of underwear, which can be worn a second time after turning inside out so the clean part is against the body (this goes for socks as well). In order to save folding time, every three days, everyone will remove their previous 3 day old clothes and don their fresh outfit right from the dryer. Nobody will need more than 2 outfits, to be changed only on laundry days. No pajamas either-- sleep nude, use an extra blanket.
5. To cut down on morning preparedness time, coffee shall be consumed while using the toilet upon awakening. All shaving of legs, armpits and the like shall be done once, every other week, but never on the same day. Deodorant will be applied to only one armpit, alternating sides each day. Brushing teeth will take place in the shower. Hair will be dried canine style on the way to work, by hanging my head out the window. No make-up... it’s simply a luxury I can’t afford.
6. Love-making will be combined with household chores. No reason to waste the time while I’m down on my hands and knees simply scrubbing the floor. Multi-tasking just makes sense.
7. Friends wishing to visit may do so while I’m using the bathroom or taking my shower. This is usually just wasted time anyway. There will be no initial greeting or time spent on pleasantries. We’ll just assume that I’m fine and so are you. Get to the point.
8. All special events will be combined and celebrated at once every three months. On the last day of March and September there will be a Happy Birthday Baby Shower Going Away Welcome Home Congratulations House Warming Funeral. On the last day of June it will be a Happy Birthday Baby Shower Going Away Welcome Home Congratulations House Warming Funeral Graduation party. Similarly, on the last day of December it will be a Happy Birthday Baby Shower Going Away Welcome Home Congratulations House Warming Funeral Merry Christmas Happy New Year event. Woohoo. Party hardy.
These are just a few of the changes I will be making in the upcoming weeks. At the end of Summer I hope to have saved enough time to sit down and make some additional changes or tweak the system as needed.
Oops, time to talk to my kids and husband..
See you in the bathroom!
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