Cin-Full-osophy 101

Some of my personal philosophies:

1. There should be no divorce. Divorce is ugly business full of hate and violent thoughts and actions, and custody battles that really only hurt the kid. Instead I think that whoever was the bigger asshole, the philanderer, or most responsible for the break-up of the marriage should just have to die. Now wouldn't that be easier?

2. If you're single and you find a man who likes cats, you should marry him. Immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, just go straight to the altar and stake your claim. This is a man with a large heart and a gentle soul. Has anyone ever heard of a wife-beater who in his spare time plays with Mr. Whiskers?

3. Mini-skirts should not be made in plus sizes. I say this with no disrespect to plus-size girls, being as how I am one, but I once saw a mini-skirt on a clearance rack that was 4 times as wide as it was long (I will pause to let you fully develop this mental image). There was only one left.

4. Just because your child never bit another child does not make you a better parent than me, it just makes you a luckier parent. You aren't some super-mom who's better equipped to raise children, you simply didn't have a biter. I have five kids; one was a biter. Yes, he bit every child within a 50 mile radius of our home, but do you think actually think I taught him to do that? "Now, the next time I want you to really grind in there with your bottom teeth. Good job, son!"

5. Whoever started the Fudruckers restaurant chain just wanted to make people sound like they were saying a curse word without actually saying it.

6. Women who make the biggest show over not being able to figure out how to turn vibrators off and on most likely have more toys at home than Imelda Marcos has shoes. Who do they think they're kidding? There's two buttons, one says 'up' the other says 'down.' Even if you've never seen one before, it's pretty self explanatory, so you'd have to actually be illiterate or it's pretty clear you're deliberately pretending to be confused.

7. There should be a special program built in to every computer for spam-forwarders. If you truly believe that Bill Gates has nothing else to spend his money on other than people who forward an email to 2,548,963 friends, your hard-drive should immediately explode into 2,548,963 pieces. Game over.

8. Helping a little old lady across the street is only nice if she actually wants to cross the street. If she doesn't, it's kind of cruel.

9. People are rarely as wonderful as their dogs seem to think they are. Dogs also roll in feces and rotting carcasses, so the fact that he thinks your pretty cool doesn't mean much.

10. If you think you have Alzheimers today, and tomorrow you remember that you thought you had Alzheimers, you probably don't have Alzheimers.