Yesterday was our second annual tubing event. No nudists, no clown posses, and thankfully no angry locals descending upon us ("You got a purdy mouth").
What we did have was our children to provide us with endless hours of entertainment. Our two girls, Bri and Brittney who are 19 and 'almost 16' (this is an actual age, according to Brittney) respectively were along for the adventure. My friend Shawn also had her girl Tristan who is 13, and Tristan brought her 13-year-old friend, because what's better than one 13-year-old, but two?
Ah, sweet 13. I'd forgotten in the 'almost 3' years since Brittney was 13 how fraught with angst that age is. The drama alone is worth avoiding that entire year of a girl's life.
Tristan's tale of woe is particularly sad. Her mother is horrible. Joan Crawford horrible. She admits her mother has never actually beat her with wire hangers, or anything even closely resembling them, but she sleeps with extra blankets for padding just in case.
Her mother also has the gall to occasionally purchase something for herself after denying Tristan her most basic needs. Yes, she tearfully told us, her mother doesn't buy them any food.
"Really?" I asked. "You don't look anything like those starving Ethiopian children from the TV commercials."
As it turns out, Tristan's definition of 'no food' is food that must be prepared, as in heated up before serving, or even, God forbid, cooked!! And, yes, Shawn does cook dinners, but sometimes she's at work and Tristan and her 17-year-old brother must fend for themselves!
Had I known my friend was such a monster I'd have turned her in to Child Services a long time ago! Friends or not, I just can't tolerate abusive and neglectful behavior toward innocent children.
The entire day was a trip down memory lane for Joe and I as we pondered those years when our own girls were 13. This is what we've decided all 13-year-old girls should come with:
1. Tissues. Lots and lots of tissues, for when they burst into tears for no apparent reason.
2. Caseloads of Midol to combat the raging hormones responsible not only for their tears but the bouts of explosive anger and self-pity.
3. A fainting couch for more dramatic effect.
4. Kid gloves and egg shells (self-explanatory).
5. Clearasil. Nothing ruins their day faster than a zit.
6. The exact same size breasts (or lack thereof) as every other girl their age.
7. Their own bathroom. Other people need to use it too.
8. A Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle concoction that will knock them out for an entire year.
What parents of 13-year-olds should have:
1. Prophylactic headache medicine. Take two every morning whether your head hurts or not, because you know you're going to need it at some point anyway.
2. Artificial tears to show them we genuinely do care that Susie's mom bought her Super Mega Rockstar 3 and all the equipment that is required to play it while we need that $200 to pay the electric bill that was run up by the continuous use of hair dryers, curling irons and straighteners.
3. Some sort of alcoholic beverage-- take two shots as needed.
4. Ear plugs.
5. An escape route.
Whether you have a 13-year-old girl, or a soon to be one, take heart from the fact that most parents do survive. The tic will eventually dissipate and the shell-shocked look is seldom permanent.
God be with you!
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