It's long been thought that women are the weaker sex. We just can't get along without a big strong man to protect us and support us. While this may have bloated the heads of centuries' worth of men, women have long since known that we have the ultimate power and the most effective weapon.
It's stronger than any nuclear weapon and can reduce even the mightiest man to infantile behavior by the mere mention, sight or even thought. They're right under our noses, quite literally and they're called boobs.
Boobs are basically God's way of apologising for the creation of men. Kind of an, "oops, sorry for that-- but here's a little something you can use to keep him under control..."
I'm not quite sure why this weapon is as powerful as it is. I mean, think about it; all women have them so it's not as though they're a rare commodity! And not just one, but each woman has TWO of them puppies! Surely if men were rational they'd realize that such an abundance should decrease their value, but, alas, it only seems to further confuse them. So many boobs, so little time... I truly believe that man's quest to lengthen his lifespan is spurred on by the desire to have more time in which to ogle more boobs.
It seems to effect their every waking behavior, and all their senses. Take their sense of hearing. A typical conversation between a man and a woman may go like this:
Mr. Mechanic: What seems to be the problem, ma'am?
Unsuspecting female: It sounds like there's something loose in my engine.
Mr. Mechanic: A rattle, or more of a knocking?
Unsuspecting female: Well, maybe more of a knocking sound.
Mr. Mechanic: I'll take a look under the hood.
This is the conversation as heard by the woman. The man interprets it more like this:
Macho man: Wow, those are some bodacious ta-ta's you have there. How may I get you to show them to me?
Boob owner: I'm very loose.
Macho man: Can I rattle your knockers?
Boob owner: Why, yes, my knockers are your knockers.
Macho Man: I'll gladly look under your blouse.
I understand how frustrating this is for women. But let's think outside the box for a second. We spend hundreds of dollars on our hair and makeup. We have our body waxed, and shave delicate parts in order to be more appealing to men. We obsess over our muffin-tops and wayward eyebrows. But why? Men would probably fail to notice facial hair on the bearded lady as long as she were topless. It's kind of freeing when you think of it in those terms. We no longer have to ask, "honey, does my butt look big?" Instead, just say, "Honey, do I still have breasts?" They'd find that question much easier to answer anyway.
I'm fairly certain, if you were to genetically map out a man's brain, somewhere in there is a huge lobe devoted entirely to breasts. It's probably the same lobe that, in women, is responsible for our shoe fetish and the inability to pass up a shiny bauble of any sort.
I say we stop seeing this niggling behaviour as just an annoyance and instead use them for the greater good of all humanity. Just think of the noble causes that could be served by boobs. Send women into battle instead of men. We could get enemy troops to surrender if we just showed up in wet t-shirts, bra-less. In fact, I'm fairly certain that we could pull off total nuclear disarmament in 30 days or less by simply offering to show one breast in exchange for each bomb. All this talk about smart-bombs! We have the original smart bombs permanently attached to our bodies!
So, wear them proud! Maybe even take a moment of appreciation for all they do for you. It doesn't matter what shape or size. Whether yours resemble a couple of fried eggs or ripe melons there's an entire battalion of men who see them as your own personal coupons toward whatever your heart desires.
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